Don Juan   

     Don Juan was a deeply unhappy person. They envied him, asked for his advices on how he managed to win women so easily, followed them, and nobody-nobody could see how unhappy he was. He probably knew women better than they knew themselves; he was able to divine their innermost thoughts and wishes; he could grant women what they were waiting for and what they were missing – in every woman there was at least one unrealized dream, which he made come true. Nothing could stop him – the count of husbands killed by him in duels went over a dozen long time ago, but he never gave it a second thought: those women dreamed to be won, and he made their dream to come true. He was able to be sincerely tender, was falling in love with all his heart, and devoting himself wholly to them, conferring happiness to every of his brief flames. He loved to watch them: how they changed, bloomed out like flowers in his gentle hands, and blossomed – so different and so wonderful. But then all of that was coming to an end, in spite of his will. He didn’t want that, feared it like death, chased out the thoughts that this his next adventure would come to

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an end; and every time it was coming to an end, sooner or later. Every time as soon as he won the woman’s love, he ran away. He was afraid to death of somebody’s love – he didn’t know how to accept it at all, he didn’t know how to be loved. It seemed to him that now his love was simply demanded in exchange for hers, that his heart was expected to be offered on a golden plate as something taken for granted, by that depriving him of his biggest pleasure – of self-willingness of his devotion. And he always ran away from the woman, and then he suffered for he managed to fall in love with them like a boy – head over ears. So now it was as ever: all suitcases are packed, the last memories of his beloved before the road – in order to forget them as soon as possible and not to remember during the journey – and go on, to the next town to the next mysterious stranger, with whom he would sincerely fall in love, from whom he would run away, and would be suffering again. He knew it.

10-24-95 01:52am